We Are Family
by Little Ghostie
Summary: T for safety. Because your new house isn't home until your friends make it theirs. And your arch-nemesis blows it up. Tails wishes he'd never answered that doorbell.


Disclaimer: I disclaim everything.

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**01 – We're All In This Together**

* * *

"Bang! Bang! Bang!"

Tails glared at his alarm clock. It glared back with its patented red 'three-o-seven AM' gaze that burned into his eyeballs like a picture Sonic had (questionably) obtained showing Eggman in a…never mind. What mattered was that he was awake (maybe), someone was banging on his door (probably), and that someone was going to die today (definitely).

Half-asleep or otherwise, attempts at organization come as second nature after years spent in the company of Sonic the Hedgehog.

The onslaught continued as he, groggily, slid out of bed in a style reminiscent of the skydiving pancakes occupying his head moments before. Wiping sand from his eyes he stumbled through the hall, missed the first step, and crashed all the way down the stairs to land in a heap facing the door. Opening it rewarded him with a fist to the face.

"SONIC! Finally! I've been waiting for you for _minutes_ knowing you'd heed my - TAILS! I feel like I've been out here for HOURS! You really need to spruce up your porch. Why isn't it covered? The forecast predicted RAIN, what if it started raining while I was out here? Aren't you supposed to be smart?"

"Aren't you?" The disgruntled fox muttered as he massaged his nose.

"What was that?"

"Uh…Amy, what are you doing here?" Said hedgehog put her hands on her hips and beamed like an early sun.

"Looking for Sonic, of course!"

"…Sonic?"

"Sonic!"

"…Sonic isn't here, Amy."

"Ha, you can't fool me! I can feel my love from a mile away! SONIC IT'S OKAY I'M HERE NOW YOU CAN STOP HIDING FROM ME –!"

"AMY! He's not here. I think I'd know if he'd shown up. And why are you looking for him so early…?"

"Hmph!" Before Tails could stop her she stomped her way through, ignoring the (un)welcome mat and tracking mud all over his freshly cleaned hallway, making for the living room. Her eyes were closed and she was humming loudly. Resigned (and faintly disturbed), he followed her.

They reached the sparse room with couches and a partly destroyed TV (long story involving a grape commercial) and stood in the doorway. Tails stared at Amy. Amy hummed louder. Amy also lifted her hands before herself like a mummy. Tails backed away. They stayed like that.

"…Like I said -"

"SONIC! See, I told you! Your attempts to hide him from me were in vain!" So saying the girl flung herself over the nearest couch which, upon closer inspection, had blue quills sticking out of it. What followed could only be described as commonplace.

"SONIC!"

"Blurf! It was the papaya! It teamed up with the fettuccini!"

"SONIC! I LOVE YOU!"

"What the…?"

"SONIC! YOU ARE THE ONE!"

"Ack! Amy! Where did you come from?"

"SONIC! MARRY ME!"

"What? No!"

"BE MINE!"

"Never! Get off me!"

"YES! FINALLY!

"NO! Go away!"

"I LOVE YOU TOO, SONIC!"

"HELP! I'M BEING MOLESTED!"

"WE'LL BE TOGETHER FOREVER!"

Meanwhile Tails was busy yanking at his ears. It was an unhealthy habit developed from years of knowing a myriad of quill-pulling morons, and it didn't help one iota, but he did it anyway. His ears flopped up again just as a blur of blue and pink fell to the floor in front of him; Amy still held a death grip on her life's obsession as Sonic the Hedgehog himself squirmed wildly.

"I'D RATHER WORK FOR EGGMAN! Oh, hey Tails. 'Sup?"

"You, apparently." Tails replied, choosing to ignore Amy's scream of "WE CAN FIGHT EVIL TOGETHER!"

"I'D RATHER BE EVIL! Well, yeah, but besides me. Bud, no offense, but you look like you've been deprived of sleep in a blender."

"THEN I SHALL BE YOUR EVIL QUEEN!"

"…Something like that. What are you doing here?"

"THAT'S EVEN WORSE! Dropping in."

"I KNOW, RIGHT?"

"Since when?"

"A few hours ago. I think. THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!"

"I LOVE YOU TOO!"

"GET AWAY FROM ME!"

"WE'LL HAVE LOTS OF EVIL KIDS!"

"NO!"

Tails watched them for a while. Then he sighed, went to the kitchen, and started making tea.

oOo

"Bang! Bang! Bang!"

Tails had frozen, teacup halfway to his mouth. Then, he'd slowly set it down, gotten to his newly bunny-slippered feet, and gone to open the door. He was greeted with the Master Emerald.

"Tails," it spoke with a sort of awe-inspiring aura, "I'm sorry. There was no other way. Robots came left, right and center, and I could only go so long before they started overwhelming me." Tails nodded dumbly. "I need a substitute altar. Let me in?" He nodded again, and stepped aside to watch the massive Emerald force its bulk through the small furry-sized doorway, breaking parts of the surrounding wall, and float inside.

"Thanks," said the echidna standing behind it in his deep and discernibly less awe-inspiring mortal voice as he followed it in. "That Eggman just doesn't give up lately. And sorry about the Island, by the way." It was now that Tails took note of the colossal mass situated nearby, poised on a single point to crush his tiny workshop with a breath of wind. He stared at it.

Then he nodded again, closed the door (ignoring the new gap in the wall next to it) and went to the living room.

Knuckles was yelling at Sonic (something about his ancestors, Tails wasn't too sure), who had slumped himself over the Master Emerald the way he often did tree branches while Amy pulled at his leg, trying to coax him back onto the couch (which he now noticed had been saturated with copious amounts of drool). Returning to the kitchen, he glanced at the cooling mug of tea sitting forlornly on the table, beckoning him. As he sat back down his ears pressed to his head in an effort to block out the noise coming from the living room. Normality resumed.

oOo

"Ding-dong!"

His hand paused over the tap, about to wash the mug. An ear perked up, listening. The screaming appeared to have abated at some point, leaving him slightly worried about whether he'd need to call a coroner in the morning. Choosing to deal with the probability of his friends' demise with the actual rising of the sun (and noticing that, after everything, the clock now only showed three fifty-two) he crept to the door and was about to open it and bless the new arrival for appraising the neglected doorbell when a head poked through the hole in the wall.

Rouge the Bat _leered_ at him.

"Hey hon. Good to see you're up. Sorry for the visit, but my club was getting a bit crowded and while I usually don't mind (what with the whole 'nocturnal' thing we bats have) I just got back from a GUN mission and I'm a teensy weensy bit tired so I was wondering if -"

She didn't get to finish as Tails opened the door, took her hand, and dragged her to the living room. The effect was instantaneous.

Knuckles took one look at the bat and flung himself on top of the Master Emerald (knocking Sonic off in the process) like a fan at a Forget Me Knots concert, screeching about permanent marker for some reason. As he went back to the kitchen Tails physically covered his ears to protect from Rouge's "YOU ACTUALLY _REMEMBER_ THAT?!" and opted to never ask. If it was anything like the grape commercial incident, he didn't want to know.

Standing by the table once more he hesitantly uncovered his ears to allow the cacophony to ring through. Knuckles and Rouge were arguing. Sonic had woken up and was trying to get away from Amy, who'd fallen asleep clutching his leg like a teddy bear and now woke too, declaring him her husband at their mailbox-themed wedding, or something like that. The coffee table cracked.

Five minutes later, Tails returned to the living room, sat down, and played silent observer as he munched on his bowl of butter popcorn.

oOo

" – CONTROL!"

Shadow the Hedgehog landed on the abused coffee table, which promptly broke. Everybody looked at him. Tails kept munching. Shadow stared.

Then he slowly got off the table ("Ooh, you're in trouble now." "Shut up, faker.") and backed up, eyeing them. Knuckles was still clutching the Master Emerald. Rouge was attempting to lift it. Amy had her hammer in one hand and was, in a completely ordinary feat of strength, holding Sonic up with the other. This was the scene Shadow absorbed in the span of four-point-two seconds before turning, very slowly, to Tails and his bowl of popcorn.

"GUN is attempting to hunt me down again. May I -"

Sonic tackled him.

In all, it was an interesting too-early-not-yet-morning. The fight between Sonic and Shadow made its way to the couch, which was efficiently shredded beyond repair and upon which both soon passed out upon (from exhaustion or knocked unconscious, Tails couldn't tell, but he did snap a picture for purposes of possible negotiation later on). Frustrated by the abundance of testosterone in the room Rouge led Amy on a crusade in which they invaded Tails' bedroom and had a slumber party (a tub of nail polish rolled out from under the door, and he vowed to never sleep in there again until he'd properly sterilized the area). Knuckles hijacked every blanket he could get his hands on (tearing holes in several of them) and created a nest, inside of which he carefully nestled the Master Emerald. He then proceeded to sit just at the edge of it in a meditative pose (Tails caught him drooling, and snapped that too). The fox kit himself spent a good ten minutes hauling an old mattress that no one seemed to want into his secure, sound-proof lab, right under the Tornado. He'd probably hit his head when he awoke but, with any luck, it would just knock him out again. By four forty-seven, the house was quiet and peaceful, and no one paid heed to the chirping birds outside.

oOo

Tails would later note that the explosions began at approximately six thirteen. The first ones set off his lab's alarm slash security system, which succeeded in deploying his ground-based missile launchers, activating his laser defense grid, and waking him up. Predictably, bashing his head into the Tornado did not send him back to sleep. He knocked his face against it a few times before giving up and attempting to stand, only to fall again as his house returned fire with similar explosives. He cussed only the way a child acquainted with Knuckles the Echidna could.

Upstairs his houseguests were slowly rising. Sonic and Shadow opened their eyes, saw each other, yelped several octaves higher than should have been possible, and fell off the couch. This caused Knuckles to emit a rather bleary rendition of his signature warrior's cry as he leapt to his feet and knocked over the Master Emerald, which he quickly set straight, kneeled to and began kissing in furious apology. Such was the scene Rouge and Amy were greeted with as they stumbled down the stairs with much of the grace Tails had hours before. The motley crew dragged themselves outside and came face to face with a giant robotic orangutan.

Tails wished he'd grabbed some coffee first.

"Ho ho, Tails! As you can see, I have at last discovered your abode in which you create your dastardly devices to oppose me!" Doctor Eggman laughed to the heavens. "No longer will it be so! Once that pesky blue hedgehog arrives it will be too late, and your workshop will be a smoldering pile of ashes! He'll feel the pain of not being fast enough to stop me, because no one expects an attack so early in the morning, do they? And of course your little guardian friend is too far away on his puny island, which I've been attacking all night, to help you! I've already got him on the run, like the coward he is! And don't expect any help from your pink friend, either – my latest Metal Sonic model should already be closing in on her, wherever she is, as my next hostage after you and the echidna! On top of that, my new Egg Ape is far too powerful for the likes of that batgirl to handle, and she's on a GUN mission at the moment. Not even Project Shadow can stop me now, even if he wanted to! You're doomed! Hahahahaha!"

"…How did he not notice Angel Island? It's, like, right next to him." Rouge piped up, apparently the only one awake enough to make sense of the (obviously rehearsed) speech.

"…I did not notice that." Shadow admitted.

"Well, you did kind of appear in the living room hon."

"Not fast enough?" Sonic finally caught up with the subject matter. "Who's he kidding?"

"Evidently, he failed to take into account your ability to run so fast you turn back time," Tails, who had yet to get his eyes open properly, grumbled. Amy, meanwhile, had popped her hammer back out and was searching the skies, ready at any moment to leap into her beloved's arms at the first sign of a smoke trail. As the group awoke more, they began to assume battle-ready stances, giving off the image of the hardened heroes they were renowned as. Eggman finally glanced down at them.

"You will remember this day, as the day the Eggregious Doctor Eggman took his first, great step towards world domination! No longer will fellow machines stand before me, but instead, alongside me – hey, wait…" It seemed the Eggregious Doctor Eggman was also somewhat sleep-deprived. His gazed at them for a few moments, before turning to his monitor. "Computer! How many life forms stand in my way?"

"Approximately seven billion, my lord."

"Whaa…? Argh, I meant right in front of me you infernal program!"

"Six, your Eggliness."

"Identify!"

"Sonic the Hedgehog, threat level: red; Shadow the Hedgehog, threat level: red; Knuckles the Echidna, threat level: red; Rouge the Bat, threat level: red; Miles 'Tails' Prower, threat level: red; Amy Rose, threat level: green."

"Hey!" Amy yelled indignantly, mallet at the ready. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Eggman stared at them, sweating like he'd attempted a lap around the cockpit. It was at around this time that the first sound of helicopter blades reached their ears. Everyone looked up.

"Attention Project: Shadow! You are under arrest by order of the Guardian Unit of Nations for attempting to escape custody of the Guardian Unit of Nations! Surrender immediately!"

"Dang it." Shadow muttered as they closed in. a chopper door was thrown open and a rocket launcher aimed at his forehead, which he was in the process of smacking. Seeing an opportunity, Eggman smiled gleefully and stomped forward with his robot, calling for reinforcements from his base. He was thus caught by surprise when a sudden wave of robots poured over the edge of Angel Island, which had been right next to him, and stood ready to serve.

"Where did that come from?" Eggman muttered. "Oh well, it helps. ATTACK!"

A GUN soldier glanced at his leader. "Sir, there's one of our own down there!"

"I don't care! Get me that Project!"

"Yes sir! ATTACK!"

Sonic, Knuckles and Amy lunged for the robots, while Rouge gave Shadow a lift up to one of the choppers so he could give them a piece of his mind. Well, as long as they were shooting at her, too…

Still on the ground, Tails watched dejectedly as his house's defenses were swiftly eliminated. Sighing, he walked through the robot hordes, which barely noticed him in their attempts to not get smashed. The rush of battle heated up with the arrival of one very ticked off Metal Sonic unit that immediately gave chase to Amy, who swung at it like a pro baseball player. Rockets were being fired in all directions; some took down the choppers, others hit Eggman's robots, a few were lost track of. The pandemonium ceased, however, with the production of a single, gigantic explosion that shook the ground.

The heroes looked up in time to witness their house for the night emit a sky-high burst of fire and smoke as it crashed and burned. Everything, from the door to the broken coffee table, disintegrated until nothing was left but a pile of ash and rubble, and a single metal structure.

In all honesty, Tails had meant for his lab to be able to _contain_ explosions and prevent them from spreading, but this worked too. The Tornado and his other experiments were safe, while the flares continued to move out and engulf robots and GUN equipment alike. As the disaster unfolded, the irritated GUN leader ground his teeth and gave the order to clear out. Seeing the increased potential for defeat as all the heroes' eyes turned on him, Eggman was quick to give similar orders.

That was just before Tails, with one finger, tipped Angel Island in its entirety over and onto his army with a satisfying crunch. At least he didn't have to worry about his house anymore.

Eggman flew off, cursing and promising payback, leaving the fox kit to revel in the nice turn the morning had finally taken for him.

And then it started raining.

oOo

"Of course we wouldn't offer anything less than the best for our planet's heroes. After what you've all done for us any seller is probably more than willing to waive your fees, so we'll be delighted to show you the best pick of what we have for sale and hope to have you settled into your new home as soon as possible…"

Tails was barely listening to the real estate agent anymore, and a glance around told him the same went for the rest of group. Sonic had long since stopped trying to get Amy off his arm and was fidgeting in his seat, probably itching to run. Knuckles sat with his arms crossed and his eyes closed, ignoring everything around him. Shadow did the same, only he was wearing a fedora, trench coat and sunglasses, and kept peering around. Behind them stood the Master Emerald, and not too far away Rouge was checking her phone. Tails hadn't the slightest idea why all of them where here – it had been his house, after all – and chose to chalk it up to their feelings of guilt and mourning for the place.

Sonic yawned. A trickle of drool stretched from Knuckles' mouth. Shadow tipped his hat lower.

…Right.

"…and that is why it is the first on our list of houses which we've lined up for your consideration. So, if you're ready to go?"

Tails blinked.

oOo

"Hello? Guys? Anybody?"

"SONIC!"

"Finally! …I'm lost! Yell again so I can find you guys!"

"SONIC, I KNEW YOU'D COME BACK TO ME!"

"Your voices are echoing! I can't follow them!"

"YES, OF COURSE I'LL MARRY YOU!"

"What?"

"WE'LL DECORATE OUR WEDDING HALL WITH MAILBOXES!"

"What?"

"WE'LL HAVE LOTS OF BABIES!"

"What?"

"WE'LL - !"

"I can't find you with all the echoes!"

Tails groaned. It looked nice on the outside, but this castle was a huge labyrinth, with too many pictures of some 'Acorn' monarchy or whatever. He'd stopped paying attention to the real estate agent ages ago, and now Sonic and Rouge were both lost. Knuckles kept scampering off, but he always came back, and looked very annoyed when he did. Tails had the impression the echidna was actively trying to lose his way. He kept failing because the Master Emerald, which he carried over his head everywhere he went, was too obvious to suddenly become unnoticeable.

At least, that's what Tails thought.

Meanwhile, the agent went on about the local culture and history of the castle, on everything from the banquet halls to the torture dungeons (face still covered, Tails managed to catch a glimpse of Shadow's smirk), to the drawbridge and piranha-infested moat (the smirk widened. He was glad Sonic hadn't been around to hear that) to the throne room and a supposed secret treasure in the walls (swoosh. Ah, there was Rouge). Well, there was plenty of space for his inventions, the drawbridge could easily be converted into a new runway and Amy seemed to like the place ("WE COULD BE ROYALTY, SONIC!"), so to be honest he didn't see why not.

At that moment, a high-pitched whine alerted them to the incoming nuke.

Sonic, who finally made it out of the maze, stared at it with the rest of them as it came closer and closer, taking its time. They watched silently as it zoomed over their heads, Eggman insignia clearly tattooed on its bottom, and right into the Acorn castle.

The castle went boom.

The group stood for a moment, watching the light show destroy their prospective house. Eventually Rouge turned to the real estate agent, who'd watched the entire event in shock.

"Next?"

The agent stared at her.

"Rouge! Be nice. She's traumatized." Amy chided her. "…I think."

"Humans don't like it when these things happen, right?" Knuckles whispered as they waited for a response.

"No," Tails whispered back, "most furries don't like it either."

"So is it, like, some kind of surface people thing?"

"…Something like that."

"I agree," Shadow murmured. "Those on the Ark enjoyed watching such things. They called it 'Science'."

The agent forced a smile.

oOo

"You are so precious to me," Knuckles stroked the soft sheen gently. "I love you the most in this world. You deserve a great throne, and not in some closed-off drafty castle where others can never admire your beauty, but seated in the lap of luxury, where they cater to your every whim. Yours are the silk sheets and great windows to the fresh air! For you is the pool in which you may rest with a soothing drink! It is you that are worthy of such extravagance for others to appreciate your incredibly wondrous aura!" He turned to Tails. "You see, this is the perfect new altar for the Master Emerald. The Master Emerald's word is law!"

"Do you even know its gender?" Rouge muttered, hand on her hip. The echidna glowered at her. "But I have to admit, this place is growing on me. Lots of nice rooms…"

Amy, meanwhile, was busy kneeling at Knuckles' feet and begging him to teach her how to spout poetry like that.

Tails pressed his hand to one of the many large windows offering an unprecedented view of the ocean. In the distance, wild dolphins frolicked about the waves and an atoll rose slightly above the water. Palm trees lined the private deck leading down to the private beach. On either side was a large and well-planted garden. At the front of the mansion stood a fountain. It _was_ very nice…

The agent continued chatting as they went down to the beach, taking in the views. Everything seemed to be in order. Sonic however gave the shore a wide berth, despite Amy's attempts to pull him towards it. Tails could see Cream visiting to make sand castles here…

The ground shook.

Knuckles flung himself over the Emerald. Everyone else got ready to fight. Tails took one glance and resigned himself to patting their agent on the back sympathetically.

A giant robot penguin came to a halt in front of the mansion. It flapped its flippers for a few minutes, then opened its beak and let loose a giant laser beam that made short work of the mansion. Seeing the look on their agent's face and feeling just a tad guilty, Tails stepped forward.

"Why are you doing this Eggman?" He yelled in the general direction of the penguin, nice and loud.

"Ack! Shut it, I'm right here!" Everyone yelped (Knuckles let out a high-pitched squeal) and turned around. "Deafen us all, why don't you…" Eggman grumbled as he adjusted his Eggmobile.

"Whatever you're here for, you won't get away with it!" Sonic declared confidently. Eggman laughed.

"Actually, I've already gotten away with it! The house has been destroyed, meaning you can't live there." The wannabe dictator stuck his tongue at the blue hedgehog, who returned the gesture. Tails raised an eyebrow.

"So your latest world domination scheme revolves around preventing us from finding a house?"

"Yes!" They stared at him. He sniffled. "Well, at least now you know what it's like to lose base after base."

Rouge laughed. "Doc's got a point."

Eggman cleared his throat. "In any case, since we're all here might as well have our battle of the day."

"But didn't we already-"

"Eggstrap Penguin! ATTACK!"

"That word's been said way too many times today…"

The ground shook even more as the penguin ambled through the rubble over to them and started trying to stomp on them. It was more havoc than an actual fight. Shadow was trying to keep his fedora on, and so didn't do any actual fighting. Sonic dodged its humongous feet a few times before getting caught in a claw and sailing into the ocean, where he promptly began attempting to drown in nine inches of water while Amy went to rescue him in the hope that she'd have to do CPR. Knuckles remained clinging to the Master Emerald, leaving the fight to Tails and Rouge. They eventually knocked it into the water, where it was discovered that Eggman's shoddy design had failed to make it adequately waterproof. As the penguin shut down the group gathered on the shore to watch it sink, and Knuckles bemoaned the loss of the Master Emerald's great substitute altar (he'd later claim that the Master Emerald cried over it too).

The agent's smile was strained.

oOo

"Hands on your hearts guys."

Everyone did so, and Tails continued as the agent looked on.

"Now, repeat after me. I solemnly swear to abuse all the powers and abilities I have ever demonstrated in the entirety of my heroic career to keep safe the next abode I am shown to, if not for the sake of the sanity of the one currently attempting to put a roof over my head, then for the preservation of my reputation and the fact that I do, actually, desire a roof over my head, and may Chaos unleash upon me a fate worse than death should I fail."

The resulting chorus wasn't particularly legible, but it sounded about right (the gasps for breath at the end hinted at some form of run-on sentence, at any rate), so the kit turned to the bemused real estate agent and gave the biggest, widest and most innocent smile he could manage. He sincerely hoped the others were following suit.

…Except Shadow.

They trooped warily up the grassy hill, keeping a careful eye out for missiles, giant robots and badly trimmed mustaches. At the hill's crest they stopped, patiently holding their vigil and ready to fight. Minutes passed.

Nothing stirred.

"…So, where's the house?" Rouge finally asked. The agent pointed down. They looked.

A round wooden door was set into the other side of the hill, surrounded by round windows and more greenery. Flowers and mushrooms lined the path to the door, which opened to a giant entrance hall with many corridors branching off and leading to large rooms fully furnished with wooden tables and chairs, plush couches, and soft rugs. Everything was earthy and natural, but also modern and polished.

They stared.

"This is one of our new 'green' homes. Imitating a Hobbit Hole, the entire complex runs purely on renewable energy sources and ensures a sustainable lifestyle by seamlessly incorporating the latest technology into the local environment, whilst maintaining all the benefits of comfortable living." The agent never once so much as glanced through the door, wide eyes darting about the sky outside like an apprehensive chicken. No one paid any heed.

Shadow, in all his fedora'd glory, drew himself up. "I want it," was stated menacingly, and he stomped out, back up the hill, and stood there defiantly. They stared up at him, trench coat billowing in the wind, and Tails was seized by a sudden surge of euphoria.

"Right!" He cried, attracting all available attention. "Everyone form a perimeter! Amy, go to the other side. Shriek if you see anything."

"But my Sonic –"

"Sonic! Take the south, and no running unless it's at a robot! Knuckles, north, and leave the Master Emerald inside. Maybe you'll guard it better."

"But my Master Emerald –"

"No buts! Rouge, watch the sky! I want this place secured like Prison Island!"

"Didn't Prison Island get blown up?" Sonic hissed, and was (mostly) ignored.

"What about you, hon?" She asked, spreading her wings. Tails turned away.

"I," he declared, clenching his fist, "shall guard the front door."

The wait was short.

They came in droves; first the Egg Pawns, then the E-Series, and finally a colossal pair of Eggmen that towered over all the rest. Their metallic mustaches glinted in the afternoon sun as they stood at attention at the back of the army, before which the gang now assembled. Sonic was cracking his knuckles, Knuckles was glaring at him, and Amy was…was…

Swinging her hammer like a maniac. Well, no one said she couldn't start early. Shadow seemed to agree, what with the way he yelled "CHARGE!" right in their ears before Chaos Controlling directly into the middle of the fray and promptly unleashing a torrent of Chaos Spears followed by a Chaos Blast (but not before dramatically flinging off his disguise like an action star. Tails swore he heard something related to the "power of Chaos!" and briefly wondered what had gotten the hedgehog so riled up). Rouge swooped overhead to dive-bomb one of the Eggmen and was quickly joined by the blue blur, while his red counterpart burrowed through the Pawns like dirt. Tails could only watch in awe as the team actually worked as a cohesive unit, doing what they did best without looking like a cosmic joke.

It was beautiful.

He stepped forward, ready to aid his comrades in battle, chock full of courage and determination, fists up and ready-

Wait. What was he supposed to do, exactly?

The kitsune wracked his undervalued cranium for a method of attack. Okay, he had his wrench, a granola bar and a few rings. Maybe he could make a bomb out of them?

Well, yeah, duh, but it wouldn't be very effective – too small. Maybe he could amplify the power output… Nah, he'd need an Emerald for that. Or a block of uranium. Wait, what if he converted the bioenergy he could harvest from the granola bar into electrical energy and then – nah, he'd need a different wrench. Or maybe Shadow could heat his up with some Chaos energy to reshape it… Or he could just ask for Shadow's emera – no, bad idea, don't want to end up like those metal scraps… He could always just throw the rings to Sonic, and then –

CRASH!

Tails looked over his shoulder. An Eggman (of the non-organic variety) was lying on top of the hill looking distinctly out of order. How it got up there was a mystery, but that didn't really matter right now. What mattered was that the house had survived.

Everybody cheered.

Shadow _grinned_ (it was scary. Tails hoped he'd never have to see that again.) and watched the remaining robots make a run for it, several colliding with the remains of the other metal giant that still stood, sparking and smoking, amidst the havoc. It no longer appeared functional, so the fox assumed they'd won and he would have to install new defenses as soon as possible. They'd finally found a house…!

Creaks and clangs echoed ominously about the hills as the last of the badniks collided with the monstrosity's legs with a little _too_ much force. The thing fell forward, obliging them all to leap out of the way as it broke down into a trash heap… Right in front of the door.

Which caved in.

Tails fainted.

When he came to, the sky was darkening. Around him were a small circle of tents and a campfire. Knuckles was roasting something that looked suspiciously like a papaya on a spit, while Amy offered a pot of pasta to the forlorn real estate agent, who declined it. Rouge was on her phone again.

"You're up!" Sonic materialized at his shoulder, holding out a roasted marshmallow on a stick. "Want one?"

"Uh… No thanks." This wasn't their new home, was it? "Where are we?"

"Our new house. At the moment, anyway." His ears drooped. Well, that made sense – it wasn't like there was much to destroy. He'd have to build some kind of portable lab, maybe put an autopilot homing mechanism in the Tornado so it could find him everywhere instead of – "Wanna see it?"

Uh oh. Mind blank. "Wha?"

The next thing he knew he was being dragged across the field by his older brother. His crashing brain made careful note of trivial details, such as how dry and sparse the grass beneath him was and the noticeable lack of vegetation and wildlife. No sounds – crickets, birds – disturbed the wide plain, and it was cold as the fire got farther away. At last, Sonic stopped. "Here it is!"

Slowly, Tails turned around.

oOo

"Oh ho ho ho ho ho!" Doctor Eggman's impersonation of his fellow plump celebrity in red filled his brand new top-secret base, attracting the preprogrammed attention of robots everywhere. "It took an entire army, but my adversaries have been thwarted once again! I'm actually in the lead!"

"Congratulations, Doctor." Droned the dented Metal Sonic on the table behind him. "You have prevented your nemeses from locating adequate shelter and may have instilled feelings of depression and paranoia. You truly are diabolical."

"Hm?" The wannabe Evil Overlord glanced at his creation. "Did you say something?"

"Affirmative."

They stared at each other for several moments before the (presumably) organic individual shrugged and return to the screen. "Well, in any case, my enemies should feel thoroughly defeated and depressed by now. Maybe even paranoid!"

"Precisely."

"Huh?" Eggman looked at the unit for a second. No reply was forthcoming. "Probably defective. I'll fix you up after I take a nap. Not like they're going anywhere now."

Metal Sonic's head exploded.

oOo

Tails woke up the next morning feeling groggy. Knuckles was sleeping in his Master Emerald nest-thing again. Sonic had manage to roll out onto the grass in his slumber. Shadow was curled up in his pillow, and the girls' tent was firmly shut. In the distance he saw the real estate agent...breakdancing in front of the house? Mustn't be as awake as he'd thought.

They had a light breakfast of porridge, and sat in a quiet circle. The echidna, who had been polishing his purpose in life, gazed at the horizon.

"Two days, huh?"

Sonic shrugged. "Yeah."

Tails dug into his meal thoughtfully. The last night had been fitful, sure, but uncharacteristically void of mustaches. At the improvised campsite they'd waited and waited…

"Hold it, does that mean – "

"YES!" The agent leaped up and broke into a jig again. Everyone stared at her for a minute before casually returning to breakfast.

Humans.

The group approached the abode carefully, unwilling to jinx their newfound 'luck'. The place had two floors, with promises of a basement, and enough bedrooms for all of them. It was then that a thought struck Tails.

His mind was working again!

And then another one struck. All of them?

"Oh, well, you see, after that little fiasco GUN is kind of out for my blood." Rouge grinned at Shadow. "Looks like we're in the same boat, huh?"

"You _tipped over_ Angel Island! And I still need an altar for the Master Emerald." Knuckles hugged it protectively and started whispering to it, "no, don't worry, he didn't mean it that way…"

Sonic looked at him in (hopefully serious) betrayal. "You're not really going to kick me out, are ya, bro?" Amy latched on to him.

"Wherever Sonic goes, I go!"

The kitsune stared at them in horror (he reeeeeeaaaaaally hoped it looked like joy) and turned to the agent. "Why this place?"

She beamed like the sun. "Oh, it's big and out of the way, and has a good view from the upper floor!" Under her breath, she quickly muttered "And it's cheap and no one wants it because it was built over a haunted ancient burial ground."

"What was that?"

"I'll give you the grand tour!"

As she led them into the house, a bolt of lightning flashed behind it, and the wind picked up.

oOo

"Need coffee…" Eggman groaned, and his walking vending machine immediately complied. "Yeesh, I feel like I've been asleep for two days…"

"You have been, O Eggregious Doctor Eggman."

"Huh…? Never mind. Coffee." He took a sip and promptly spit it back out. "Hey! There's no Egg in it!"

"Apologies, Your Eggliness."

"Bah," he looked at the screen in front of him, trying to make sense of it before giving up and exiting the application. "You, robot, what was I doing just before I fell asleep?"

"This unit does not have that information, Great Egglord of Eggmanland." The unfortunate future scrap heap was hefted up by its creator. "Waste of a CPU chip, I instructed you to never call me by my Meteotech Online handle! You must be defective."

"It would appear so, Your Eggliness." He dropped it.

"Whatever. Go find some good coffee. Then I'll dislocate you."

"…Dislocate, Your Eggliness?"

"Dis…patch? Distill? Something. Hurry up, or I'll do all of that, too."

"Understood, Your Ugliness."

"You say something?"

"Negative."

oOo

Barely twenty minutes later, Tails stood on the doorstep watching his last hope cheerfully skip across the field and into the sunset. And then he shut the door and turned to look at his newly permanent housemates.

Fate worse than death. Right.

* * *

Six thousand words in one sitting. If that's not proof I'm trying, I don't know what is.

Other story? I need to work on that one. I'm probably going to edit it and stuff. For now, I just kind of cranked this one out without knowing what I was doing. I might continue it. Humor is a_ lot_ easier to write. And admit it; we all want to know what happens when you trap all these people under one roof.

Apologies to anybody that can tell how rushed the ending was.

And yes, this one has a chapter name. So I don't have to change it if I do continue. Let's hope XD


End file.
